Mema

This past Tuesday Mema passed from this life. Mema and I had a tough journey in our relationship but this last Thursday as we buried her I have never been more thankful for my recovery.  Without it, I would not have been able to let go and forgive her a few years ago and that made her passing one of no regrets for me.
There were a few things about her that I know:
1. I know she truly loved God.

2. I know she cared enough for her grand kids to save the heels of bread for when we came so that we could feed the ducks.

3. I know she loved my Pop.

4. I know she was generous with her money and helped the girls and me when their dad left a lot financially.

5. I know she loved OU.

6. I know she hated her middle name that we all loved to call her. Imogene Maudelou

As I walked past her casket at the end of the funeral, I placed a letter with her that allowed me to say my good-byes and everything I felt I need to say to her.

I am so thrilled for you mema that you have found true peace. Give a cuddle to Pop and Aunt Andrea for me.

Thanksgiving 2012

This year we had a GREAT Thanksgiving despite the fact that Misa had to attend a school for work the entire week of Thanksgiving. The girls and I decided to stay home and to invite any of my student workers over that did not have anywhere to go. We had 7 guests! I cooked and we ate!


Thursday night the girls and I decided to go to the movies and we saw "Life of Pi"! Chloe and I loved it but it was a little too scary for Allie.

That night we got home and drug out the tree and Christmas decorations. We put everything up except for the ornaments on the tree.

Friday, we got up and headed to Kohl's where we got the girls yearly Christmas Ornaments for free with all the coupons and discounts I had. Then we headed to Walmart to get groceries and saw that they had Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter Movies for $2.49 so we ended up with some great Black Friday deals without the chaos. Misa ended up coming back Friday afternoon and we just had a quiet day at home. We hung the ornaments, watched movies, and hung out together. Chloe's friend Alyssa came over so that they could make a movie for Chloe's book report at school. You can watch it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJgaTJyyix8&list=UUDvholGIDUuF90Au4rPSJTA&index=1&feature=plcp


Saturday, Misa was off to work again. My sister-in-law, brother, niece, and their friend came up for the day. We ate lunch and left Uncle Matt with the kids and the football and got some shopping done! Then we came back home for OU/OSU game.

Sunday, we had a great worship at church with and later on Misa and I went and got some Christmas shopping done.

Oscar and Buster enjoyed Thanksgiving as well! Oscar got into the mac-n-cheese but Buster was a good boy and only ate what I gave him. He did have a full tummy and took a long nap!



It was nice to just be home and have a real break with not a ton of organized planning.

Patience

I know it has been a while since I have blogged. The last few months have been filled with ups and downs. We have continued with the fertility treatments with no success so far. I think the roller coaster ride of hoping for the best each month and then not being pregnant has taken its toll on my emotional state. After the time change, I felt depression that I have not felt in a long time. Then at my doctors appointment I found out I had a cyst so I have to take a break from treatments for now. This Sunday was the first time in awhile I felt like my old self and it felt good to not feel like I am walking through jello or counting the hours until I get to crawl back in bed.

Patience is something that has never come easy and to be honest I have been afraid of it! I always tell people NOT to pray for patience for me. Then I heard something last month that has really made me reevaluate my view on patience.

"Patience is long-suffering with a view of the end result."

This really has caused me to reconsider my fear and aversion to patience. As someone to tends to react emotionally and impulsively, I struggle with grudge holding, being a victim, and being comfortable in chaos. I also have realized that my lack of patience results in my anger problem. When I view everything in my life as such an extreme it is impossible to see the end results. However, since I began my recovery journey those things have been worked on by God. I think trying to find patience takes me back to the first 3 steps I have learned at Celebrate Recovery:

Realize I’m not God: I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and my life is unmanageable. (Step 1) Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” Matthew 5:3

 

Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover. (Step 2) “Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Mathew 5:4

Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control. (Step3) “Happy are the meek.” Matthew 5:5

I really like the "short" version of these steps:

I CAN'T

GOD CAN

I WILL LET HIM.

I try to now make amends quickly, view people as God's children and not their actions, and live one moment at a time and enjoying God's blessings instead of wondering what bad is coming next. I am learning to let go and have even been praying for patience in certain areas of my life. I am thankful for my family that has been patient with me. I am thankful for friends who are further down road on their journey that lovingly encourage me on my path. I am thankful for a God who walks beside me and carries me when I cannot put on foot in front of another.

Sports Girl!

This year has been the first year that Allie has shown interest in playing any sports. This summer at camp she really bonded with some of the high school girls over volleyball so we signed her up at the YMCA to play for 6 weeks this fall! I love YMCA sports! They practice one night a week and the games on all on Saturday! She is getting the hang of serving, calling it, and volleying it over the net.



The tournament TEAM! It was a cold day!

Also, at her school they do 4 weeks of soccer, 4 weeks of basketball, and 4 weeks of track and then they have a tournamnet for the top teams. Allie just finished up soccer this past weekend and they made it to the tournament being undefeated but they lost their first game on Saturday so we were out. There were lots of tears and this morning she asked if she could stay home. When I asked her
"Why?" she said "Mr. Radar is going to say we did our best but that we lost the tournament!" I told her she had to go.


I think playing sports has been good for Allie. As her mother's daughter, she likes things to be perfect. I think it is good for her perfectionism to have to practice.  She is looking forward to basketball at school starting in November and Chloe even signed up to play Y ball in Decemember! Looks like our Saturday's are booked for a while!

She is a Teenager!!!!

On September 5, 2012 Chloe entered a new stage of life..... teenage-hood! Its hard to believe this little girl is now 13!


On the day of her birthday we went to Zio's with Aunt Heather, Uncle Ryan, and cousin Ava!

For the birthday celebration, we invited her church buddies over for an afternoon of shopping at the outlet mall, pizza, and a sleepover. I am so thankful for each of these girls and the great christian friends Chloe has made at Wilshire.

Chloe wasn't into the whole birthday cake thing this year but she did let me make her favorite dessert. It is a layer of cookie dough, then a layer of Oreos, and then brownie mix is poured over the top! I baked it at 350 for 30 minutes.


Chloe has REALLY grown up a lot this last year and isn't needing her mom as much. I am thankful for her confident and "one-of-a-kind"! So, She is a teenager and a pretty amazing one at that! I love how she has a heart for special needs kids, makes good choices when it comes to friends, gives back through being a leader in DC4k, rarely complains about things, and does her best in whatever she does! Happy Birthday my sweet girl! May you continue to grow in God and you allow Him to lead you on this journey we call life!

4 years

Tonight I received my 4 year chip! Four years ago tonight, I walked through the doors of Celebrate Recovery at Memorial Road Church of Christ.  I did not have many friends (and really only 2 but they lived far away and I would go months without contact with them). I had been through so much that I actually felt better in chaos and turmoil then when things were going well. I was angry, unforgiving, and judgemental. I loved being a victim and a martyr and guilt was how I motivated and manipulated many in my life. I took EVERYTHING personally and I was obsessed with perfectionism. I believed in God but it had been years since I could say a prayer and I rarely opened my bible outside of church. I was there because my counselor said she thought it would be good for me. I had NO idea what these next four years would have in store for me as a person, wife, mom, boss, employee, and friend.  I really feel like today even though I still struggle, I have a lot more balance in my life. I celebrated 60 days of daily bible reading last week. I can pray! I am an active participant with my church family. I have friends and I have became closer to the two friends I really neglected and honestly, only called when I needed something. My husband and I are happier than we have ever been. I am healthier and I am comfortable in my own skin. I am a calmer mom. I do not need to "fix" everyone. I can listen to people and not be thinking of the next thing I am going to say. I have truly for the first time in my life felt grace and felt truly forgiven.  This acceptance of forgiveness and grace has caused me to be a much more gracious and forgiving person. "I still stuggle but now I struggle well and with hope!" Needless to say... I am so thankful I chose to walk across that parking lot 4 years ago and for the journey so far. It has been a long winding road filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, and a few detours but I know I would not be the grateful believer in Jesus I am today without it!

1st Day of School 2012

Well, Chloe is now a 7th grader and Allie is a 4th grader. We did our usual 1st day of school pics on the front porch!

 I don't know who was more excited though the kids or the dogs! When the boys saw them put their backpacks on and mentioned the word "school", they started running around the house and going and sitting by the front door.

 I texted with Chloe throughout the day and she seemed to have a good day! But about 1:00 she said that her ear was hurting really bad so when I picked her up we headed straight to the clinic and it turns out she had a low-grade fever and a pretty bad ear infection on her left side. The doctor said there were already formed blister on her eardrum.

 We finished up at the clinic just in time to pick  Allie up! She said her first day was great but she misses all her friends that are in another class and that her teacher was just a tiny strict but she said she still likes her! After we picked Allie up, we headed to the pharmacy where we had to wait on Chloe's prescriptions so we had a special 1st day of school snack from McDonald's!

Last Day of Summer!!

I cannot believe this is the LAST day of summer!! It was a great but busy summer! With Chloe in the youth group now it felt like we were constantly running here and there.
Here are some of the highlights:

• Jake turned 9
• Church camp
• Kumon on Tuesday and Thursdays!
• The girls went on a little vacay with my parents to Dallas where they got to go to the zoo and Hurricane Harbor!
• Adley was born
• Each of the girls took a separate trip to Tulsa to spend time with Meme and Punkie.
• Bell Birthday Bash in Dallas
• Lots of Frontier City and White Water Bay Trips!
• Youth camping trip
• Allie went on an over night trip to Tulsa with Uncle Terry, Jake, and Wil and went to the aquarium.
• Lots of cousin sleepovers with Jake and swimming in his pool!
• Lots of movie nights!
• Allie learned to dive thanks to her cousin Wil!
• We had a few fun outings with friends.
• We got to spend a few days watching Ava.
• We went to the Bethany Pool by our house a handful of time.
• We got a new AC!
• Misa and I celebrated 4 years of marriage.
• We had a youth group girls sleepover.
• I went to California for the 2nd time to attend the Celebrate Recovery Summit.
• With the youth group Chloe got to: Go to several Area Wide Teen Worships about the Metro area, help out at the Luther Service Center, game nights, a lock-in, and participate in a ropes course.
• I also taught with Amber the girls class for our 4th summer!

Over all it was a great summer! It was different than summer past as the gap between them seems to be widening causing Chloe and Allie to bicker and fight more. There were a few moments of  sister laughing and bonding that still give me hope that one day they can be the best of friends that they once were. I also realized this summer that summers are just going to get busier and busier and the time I get to spend doing things with them will be shorter and shorter. They are wanting to do more on their own and don't need me as much and I know this is the natural progression and it means that I have instilled a confidence in them I want them to have but I won't lie, this summer was a little lonelier than in years past. We made some good memories this summer and I am a much more present mom than I have been able to be in the past. I am thankful for this summer and anytime I get with my girlies!

Last Day of Summer Snowcones

The Roller coaster

For 3 and a half years now Misa and I have been trying to get pregnant. Along this journey we have lost 2 babies. I never had any trouble getting pregnant with the girls. I wont lie the emotional roller coaster every month is really starting to wear on me.

Everyone says "Oh when you stop thinking about it or stop trying it will happen!" And I have tried to do that but now that we are seeing an infertility specialists I have to think about it everyday. My day starts with taking my temperature before my feet hit the ground minus 4 days of the month, then on day 10 of my cycle I have to take an ovulation test every day until it is positive. I have to go on the 3rd day of my cycle and have an ultrasound to make sure I do not have any cysts so that can give me my medication to help me ovulate when I should. On the 23rd day of my cycle I have to have a progesterone test to make sure my levels are good in case I will be pregnant in the next week.

I know that God has a plan for our family and I really hope that plan includes a child for us. It seems like everywhere I look someone is pregnant. Every TV show has a pregnant lady in it. I feel like I have been through a lot in my life and honestly this is the first time I have questioned God and questioned if somethings I am not proud of in my past that maybe this is my punishment. I have wondered if I have not be the best mom to Chloe and Allie and God is saving another child from my mothering. I know in my head that God does not work that way but that is where my head goes in those late nights that sleep wont come. I often feel like I have let Misa down by not being able to give him a child. So today I took my 42nd negative pregnancy test.
So the roller coaster ride begins again. Everyday I pray for peace and God's will to be obvious. A lot of days I can be content and hopeful and cling to His peace... today is just not one of those days. Yet I still know God is in this!

Being Still

I have always been intrigued by the idea of stillness, rest, and peace. It is something I have struggled but have longed for since I can remember. Even in my mind when I am physically still I am making my next "To-Do list" or trying to think of something to do or simply feel like I am wasting time when there is something to clean.

On July 12th we headed out to go on a camping trip with our youth group! I was sooooo excited to do this! We were supposed to stay until  Sunday but after a day of hiking and kayaking on Friday I went to make the bed and when I stood up my whole lower back seized up. It was some of the worst pain I have ever felt. After a very restless night on Saturday morning I told Misa that we were going to have to come back because I could barely walk. I went straight to the doctor where he gave me a couple shots and some muscle relaxers. I have now been everyday to my chiropractor and am about 90% back to normal.

I was forced to be still this week and it- to be honest-was frustrating at times. There were so many things I wanted to do that I just physically could not do. But I tried to take advantage of the time not spend it all watching TV.  I spent more time in the word than I usually do and I prayed a little more. For a long time I was not comfortable in my own skin, so quietness was the worst for me. I had negative tapes that I played over and over. And although I still find myself drifting back to those tapes, I now have tools (like the serenity prayer I learned at Celebrate Recovery and a sponsor and accountability partners to call) that help me turn those tapes off and get back to a frame of reality. I now can enjoy a quiet drive in the car without music on all the time. One of my favorite things to do is to sit on the porch in the morning with a cup of tea and just listen to the sounds. 

I also think God was teaching me a lesson in slowing down this week. I know that throughout his word God holds the idea of rest as an important thing. Heck.... He gave himself a day off when he created the world and everything in it. If it is something God gives himself maybe I should follow his lead and learn more to "Be still and know that (HE) is God." Honestly, on my death bed am I going to wish I cleaned more? or checked more off my to-do list?
I pray that I through this I have learned:
1. Do not take something as simple as bending over to pick something up for granted.
2. Just being with my family is good without an activity planned.
3. There is "blessing in the breaking". God took my back going out and turned it into a positive thing- redirecting back closer to Him!

This week for me was summed up by this verse:
"He MAKES me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters." - Psalms 23

CR SUMMER BLOG POST!!!

I got to write the CR blog this week! Check it out!! We are focusing on writing about the "Dog days of Summer!" and what our life was like in certain circumstances before recovery!
http://celebraterecoverymrcc.blogspot.com/2012/07/summer-church-camp.html

Running Update!!

I know that I have not been posting every week about running like I used to but I wanted to say that I AM still running 3 days a week. Usually I run 2.5 miles 2 days a week and a 5K once a week. I have also been seeing an infertility specialist. I have had 2 procedures and lost of tests and medications and medication adjustments which has brought some "bumps" in the road of my running journey . So I have decided that for the time just to stick with the distances I am comfortable with but I have started to challenge myself with trying different speeds and running different places. I love it when my Nike+ says "400 meters to go!" I push the speed on the treadmill as high as I can run and just go! I still love it and I am committed. I also think it has just become part of me and my routine! I still text my running coach after every run for accountability but I also WANT to run. When I started to blog about it is was more that I was trying to talk myself into it and I knew that I wouldn't quit if I was writing every week and being encouraged by so many people! So even if I do not blog about it every week I feel like I have made a life change and just put one more thing in my life that keeps me on the road to health!

NIFTY NIECES!!!!!!!!

This last week was full of NIECES! I got to watch Ava for 2.5 days while her babysitter was out of town and we had fun eating cupcakes, playing babies, going to the splash park, swinging at the park, playing with Oscar and Buster, and swimming at Jake's house. She is getting so big and putting sentences together! It was so fun to watch her and be part of her little world for a few days.

On Friday we all traveled to Dallas to meet little Ms. Adley! She is doing what babies to best and making her parents REALLY tired. We all hung out the house and Heather and I cooked up some freezer meals for them to have in the weeks to come. It was GREAT to spend time with both of my nieces! I love being Aunt Jen!

QMCC 2012

Church Camp can be such a GREAT place to make lots of memories and friends. Up until my freshman year, I LOVED to go until a counselor ruined it for me and I never went back. Growing up I went to a large church and so I never experienced going with other churches. This camp week hosted Wilshire, North Mac, and South Yukon along with several small churches from around Oklahoma. Chloe has gone to camp the last 2 years on her own. This year was Allie's first year and I won't lie I was really nervous to let her go because she just did not seem big enough to be gone from me that long without being with family. When our youth minister asked if I wanted to be a counselor I told him I would have to talk to my girls and after some tears from Allie they said I could go as long as I was not their counselor. I ended up being in the 11th grade girls cabin which was GREAT!! There were 3 counselors and we had 11 girls.

There was minimal drama and a lot of giggles and straightening of hair. We focused on Romans 1:16 for the week and being UNASHAMED. We were at camp from Sunday-Friday morning and our days lasted 8:30-10:30 p.m. our day included:

• Bell Tower Devo
• Breakfast
• Cabin Clean up
• Bible Class
• Sports
• Worship
• Lunch
• Nap time
• Class
• Team Boat Building (we were given 3 rolls of duck tape and cardboard and each team had to construct a boat that we raced on Friday.)
• Recreation/Nap/Me Elizabeth & Tori giggle and bonding time
• Dinner
• Worship
• Entertainment
• Starlight Devo

I had a great week getting to know the Wilshire girls better but I wont lie... my favorite part of the week was watching Allie have her first camp experience from a distance. SHE HAD SO MUCH FUN! She even told me it was "THE MOST FUN SHE HAS EVER HAD IN HER WHOLE LIFE!"