Patience

I know it has been a while since I have blogged. The last few months have been filled with ups and downs. We have continued with the fertility treatments with no success so far. I think the roller coaster ride of hoping for the best each month and then not being pregnant has taken its toll on my emotional state. After the time change, I felt depression that I have not felt in a long time. Then at my doctors appointment I found out I had a cyst so I have to take a break from treatments for now. This Sunday was the first time in awhile I felt like my old self and it felt good to not feel like I am walking through jello or counting the hours until I get to crawl back in bed.

Patience is something that has never come easy and to be honest I have been afraid of it! I always tell people NOT to pray for patience for me. Then I heard something last month that has really made me reevaluate my view on patience.

"Patience is long-suffering with a view of the end result."

This really has caused me to reconsider my fear and aversion to patience. As someone to tends to react emotionally and impulsively, I struggle with grudge holding, being a victim, and being comfortable in chaos. I also have realized that my lack of patience results in my anger problem. When I view everything in my life as such an extreme it is impossible to see the end results. However, since I began my recovery journey those things have been worked on by God. I think trying to find patience takes me back to the first 3 steps I have learned at Celebrate Recovery:

Realize I’m not God: I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and my life is unmanageable. (Step 1) Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” Matthew 5:3

 

Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover. (Step 2) “Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Mathew 5:4

Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control. (Step3) “Happy are the meek.” Matthew 5:5

I really like the "short" version of these steps:

I CAN'T

GOD CAN

I WILL LET HIM.

I try to now make amends quickly, view people as God's children and not their actions, and live one moment at a time and enjoying God's blessings instead of wondering what bad is coming next. I am learning to let go and have even been praying for patience in certain areas of my life. I am thankful for my family that has been patient with me. I am thankful for friends who are further down road on their journey that lovingly encourage me on my path. I am thankful for a God who walks beside me and carries me when I cannot put on foot in front of another.