For 3 and a half years now Misa and I have been trying to get pregnant. Along this journey we have lost 2 babies. I never had any trouble getting pregnant with the girls. I wont lie the emotional roller coaster every month is really starting to wear on me.
Everyone says "Oh when you stop thinking about it or stop trying it will happen!" And I have tried to do that but now that we are seeing an infertility specialists I have to think about it everyday. My day starts with taking my temperature before my feet hit the ground minus 4 days of the month, then on day 10 of my cycle I have to take an ovulation test every day until it is positive. I have to go on the 3rd day of my cycle and have an ultrasound to make sure I do not have any cysts so that can give me my medication to help me ovulate when I should. On the 23rd day of my cycle I have to have a progesterone test to make sure my levels are good in case I will be pregnant in the next week.
I know that God has a plan for our family and I really hope that plan includes a child for us. It seems like everywhere I look someone is pregnant. Every TV show has a pregnant lady in it. I feel like I have been through a lot in my life and honestly this is the first time I have questioned God and questioned if somethings I am not proud of in my past that maybe this is my punishment. I have wondered if I have not be the best mom to Chloe and Allie and God is saving another child from my mothering. I know in my head that God does not work that way but that is where my head goes in those late nights that sleep wont come. I often feel like I have let Misa down by not being able to give him a child. So today I took my 42nd negative pregnancy test.
So the roller coaster ride begins again. Everyday I pray for peace and God's will to be obvious. A lot of days I can be content and hopeful and cling to His peace... today is just not one of those days. Yet I still know God is in this!