Change

The last year has seen a lot of change to our family. We have moved twice, added a new member, new schools, new church, and a new dynamtic with me now staying at home. It has been a tough year to say the least. Things seem to get better and then it seems we take a few steps back. I will be honest and say this has been the toughest year as a mom. Trying to navigate the teen and preteen landscape has proved difficult and exhausting. Especially with Chloe,it feels like a lot of heart and pain in her life has began to surface. Watching her struggle is gut wrenching for me as a mom when there is little I can do to help with it. Allie has struggled a lot with anxiety especially with the second move which is exhausting to watch. As a mom this last year, a lot of times I have felt powerless and of course I feel guilt a lot of times. I know there are things I have done right but looking back I find myself saddened by the fact that after the trauma of a divorce I was emotionally unavailable to my girls for years. Simple things like hugs and emotion were void of me. I am very thankful for people who were able to step in and help with that but I can't help but wonder what impact this has had on them. All I want for my girls is for them to love God and put Him first. I try very hard to model that but I am not always successful. Often times, I feel very much  the only spiritual parent and feel like I am always negotiating and convincing the importance of church matters. I know my girls are loved by so many of God's people and for that I am grateful. I guess I am feeling weary as a mom today & felt it therapeutic to write it out. I cling to my Christian music so much during these times and in this season the song that brings rivers of tears is "Blessed be your name":

Blessed Be Your Name In the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow Blessed be Your name Blessed Be Your name When I'm found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed Be Your name Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name Blessed be Your name When the sun's shining down on me When the world's 'all as it should be' Blessed be Your name Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name You give and take away You give and take away My heart will choose to say