Thursday, July 11, 2013

I know who you are!

I got a call from my fertility Doctor yesterday that he wanted me to come in to discuss some things because he had finally gotten my records from OKC. So Misa took off work and we went in the afternoon. He said after reviewing everything they did in OKC that he felt it was not necessary to put me through another surgery. He said what I have is classified as "unexplainable infertility" & that the next step for us is insemination. I am feeling defeated and sad because I thought he would be able to figure out what was going on but he said the Doctor in OKC did look inside of me with a camera last May and didn't see any scar tissue and that all my parts were functioning normally. I know my God is bigger than this and I am trying to turn it over to him but right now I am just really sad. 

I think the biggest thing that I am struggling with is the two words "unexplainable infertility". It feels like they are saying "you are messed up but we don't know why!"

I guess right now I am just grieving the loss the path I thought I saw to our child. I do know that their is still hope. It's just after taking 42 negative pregnancy tests and 6 months of taking fertility meds sometimes it feels scary to "hope". 

Since we have moved here, I have been praying this every morning:

I still prayed that prayer this morning as tears ran down my face. 
Many of my dearest friends have just said "I am so sorry", and that is what I really need right now. I don't need to hear about someone's "uncles, cousins, brother's wife" who tried for years to have a baby and then it miraculously happened. Nothing makes me feel more defeated and question why not me God? 

Dont worry. I am not in complete despair. I know that "God will make a way, where there seems to be no way." But I also know that it is ok for me to be sad and be comforted by Him. Do you know that God keeps track of every tear we have cried? 
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." -Psalms 56:8

We say at Celebrate Recovery. "There is healing in tears." We make it a policy to not hand people a tissue or pat them on the back because we feel it interrupts feelings. We instead sit and listen and let people cry. 

There is a song that has brought me. Lot of comfort the last few months through this process and I have probably listened to it a million times since this news yesterday. It is called "Who you are." By JJ Heller. (You can listen to the whole song here: )
The chorus and bridge say this: 
I don't know what you're doing 
But I know who you are 

You have a father's heart 
And a love that's wild 
And you know what it's like to lose 
Yeah you know what it's like 
What it's like to lose a child 

Sometimes I don't know 
I don't know what you're doing 
I don't know, I don't know 
Sometimes I don't know 
I don't know what you're doing 
But I know who you are

So today, in this moment I am clinging to those words and this amazing verse I have missed somehow (Thanks for sending it to me at 5:30 this morning so it was the first thing I saw Juanita): 

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