I know who you are!

I got a call from my fertility Doctor yesterday that he wanted me to come in to discuss some things because he had finally gotten my records from OKC. So Misa took off work and we went in the afternoon. He said after reviewing everything they did in OKC that he felt it was not necessary to put me through another surgery. He said what I have is classified as "unexplainable infertility" & that the next step for us is insemination. I am feeling defeated and sad because I thought he would be able to figure out what was going on but he said the Doctor in OKC did look inside of me with a camera last May and didn't see any scar tissue and that all my parts were functioning normally. I know my God is bigger than this and I am trying to turn it over to him but right now I am just really sad. 

I think the biggest thing that I am struggling with is the two words "unexplainable infertility". It feels like they are saying "you are messed up but we don't know why!"

I guess right now I am just grieving the loss the path I thought I saw to our child. I do know that their is still hope. It's just after taking 42 negative pregnancy tests and 6 months of taking fertility meds sometimes it feels scary to "hope". 

Since we have moved here, I have been praying this every morning:

I still prayed that prayer this morning as tears ran down my face. 

Many of my dearest friends have just said "I am so sorry", and that is what I really need right now. I don't need to hear about someone's "uncles, cousins, brother's wife" who tried for years to have a baby and then it miraculously happened. Nothing makes me feel more defeated and question why not me God? 

Dont worry. I am not in complete despair. I know that "God will make a way, where there seems to be no way." But I also know that it is ok for me to be sad and be comforted by Him. Do you know that God keeps track of every tear we have cried? 

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." -Psalms 56:8

We say at Celebrate Recovery. "There is healing in tears." We make it a policy to not hand people a tissue or pat them on the back because we feel it interrupts feelings. We instead sit and listen and let people cry. 

There is a song that has brought me. Lot of comfort the last few months through this process and I have probably listened to it a million times since this news yesterday. It is called "Who you are." By JJ Heller. (You can listen to the whole song here: http://m.youtube.com/watch?autoplay=1&v=F8jilr8qsYU&desktop_uri=%252Fwatch%253Fv%253DF8jilr8qsYU%2526autoplay%253D1 )

The chorus and bridge say this: 

I don't know what you're doing 

But I know who you are 

You have a father's heart 

And a love that's wild 

And you know what it's like to lose 

Yeah you know what it's like 

What it's like to lose a child 

Sometimes I don't know 

I don't know what you're doing 

I don't know, I don't know 

Sometimes I don't know 

I don't know what you're doing 

But I know who you are

So today, in this moment I am clinging to those words and this amazing verse I have missed somehow (Thanks for sending it to me at 5:30 this morning so it was the first thing I saw Juanita): 

What a difference a year makes!

One year ago, I was at a point in my recovery that I truly desired a closer relationship with God and I knew it was truly time to embrace Principle 7: 

Reserve a time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will. 

Most of my life I have wanted this, but this time I felt like I was at a point where I truly wanted to work on this aspect of my life. I tend to know when I am serious about something because I share my goal with someone else and ask for accountability and that is what I did. One of the greatest blessings I have received from my recovery journey has been learning to celebrate the little victories in life. I believe the chips at Celebrate recovery have set it up to make sure we see the progress we make and to see how far we have come. I not only use the chips as "life markers" for healing in a particular hurt, hang up, or habit but I also use them as "accountability" chips. When there is a healthy habit I want to work on, I like to also see the progress! 

Now, it was not easy and to be honest there were days I didn't want to read God's word. There were days I just read one verse but there were also days I spent hours in God's word. In the past, I only tended to read my bible when life was hard. Or as John Eklund said in his workshop at the "CR Bible" Celebrate Recovery workshop, "we tend to use the bible like a drunk uses a lamppost; for support and not for illumination!" After hearing that statement, I started praying "God, please illuminate me through your word today." In the 365 days that I spent in God's word, there was not a day that I did not get something out of what I read and it was always what I needed to hear. As always, God's timing for this was perfect. We faced a lot this last year with moving to a different state, starting fertility treatments, and with having a 13 year old now that is working on her own journey; I believe that being in God's word everyday has given me more "heavenly" frame of reference with life which brings God's peace! Just like the disciples when they were in the midst of a terrible storm, I NOW know and have confidence that God is in the boat with me and I just have to ask him to either "calm me God or calm the storm"! So, in our new house I hung this above my jacuzzi tub:

I now cannot imagine my day without my time in God's word and plan my morning around it!

What a difference a year makes!